April 22, 2011
I am not one to urge people to purchase a particular product or service. Everyone is a creature of habit, and I’m not going to encourage the spending of your hard-earned moola. Don’t tell my boss this; my job is to do something that rhymes with farketing at Global Gym.
However, I feel it necessary to stick up for a product/service that has served me well and is often misunderstood: online dating.
Online dating has a lot of baggage to overcome. I initially didn’t join because it was reminiscent of 90’s chat rooms where pedophiles and homicidal maniacs asked what you were wearing. I’m still emotionally scarred from that…BikerGuy1976. And the argument in favor of it has taken a major hit with match.com’s recent set back. For the record, as badly as I feel for the woman who went through this, I don’t think it is match.com’s responsibility to vet their users. I mean, do you expect your bar or speed dating service to background check every patron? When you get set up on a blind date, do you ask for a credit report first? A lot of people are just creepy, and there’s no way around it.
Maybe you’re shy and wary about announcing to the world that you are single and looking for a mate. Whatever, our pheromones already do that for us. Why not just state the obvious? The most people can accuse you of being is redundant.
And any other hesitations you may have are silly. For example, my biggest fear was the possibility of colleagues finding my profile. When I worked at one of those Death Star investment banks, this potential scenario always held me back: What if that jerk from the equities sales desk finds my profile? And then announces it on the hoot? Hey everyone, look at this bitch’s profile. She likes black and white movies. I’ll give her a black and white movie…
And then this happened. Yes it was embarrassing, but not any more embarrassing for the dude. AND he was nice and handsome and had a good job. I would totally know because I too work at Global Gym. If it weren’t for some minor logistical issues, I would have been super excited about this guy.
Also, what I’m failing to go into detail about due to my self-imposed word limit (because I know you peeps be having short attention spans) is that I met some awesome men online. One day, I will tell you about them, perhaps even pass out some deli counter tickets so you can get in line to meet them. (Oooh, new career move to a madame? A classy one)
I don’t want to make this into a glowing review about online dating. It’s definitely got its downers. For one, it’s got dating backwards. If you’re anything like me, dating begins with a spark. You typically ask someone out or say yes because you think they’re attractive and/or there’s some chemistry, and then you date them to find out if you can connect on a different level. The web version of this flips the traditional structure on its head. You won’t know if you have any sort of chemistry until you meet that person, regardless of whether he/she also loves playing Magic and knitting cat sweaters (no judgment).
And for sure, you will meet a lot of duds. But how is that any different than other methods of getting a date? Like drinking that handle of vodka really got you Mr. Right last night? Do you really want to trust your mother AGAIN after she set you up with that guy who kept getting food on his face and would only wipe his mouth every ten minutes (Yes, the date was that boring; I kept track of this.)? Come on. It can’t get any worse.
For those of you who are still figuring out how to even begin navigating this world of cyber socialing, stay tuned for my how to for dating online. I promise, it will be useful.
April 20, 2011
As promised, I am sharing my awkward-est moment of summer 2010—the moment I realized that eight million people is still a finite, and at times, very small population for a place like Manhattan.
It all started when this cute dude sent me a message over one of them snazzy dating sites. After a few emails and text messages, we decided to meet. It started like any other date, with the asking of basic mundane questions: how are you, where did you go to school, where did you grow up. Then I asked the dude what is normally a very benign question: Where do you work?
Dude: I work in an area that rhymes with Piptown Mest. (Come on, I’m trying to maintain some anonymity.)
Me: Me too. I just started a job there. What company?
Dude: I work at that huge global company with over 100,000 employees, which will remain nameless on this blog, and will going forward be referred to as “Global Gym.”
Me: Me too! (A minor red flag, I mean Global Gym has over 100,000 employees). What floor do you work on?
Okay, not the best answer to hear because I also work on 30. But my cubicle neighbor doesn’t work on my team, so it’s unlikely that we will work together.
Me: Cool. Um, well, I work on 30 too. What team do you work on?
Dude: John Smith’s.
FUCK, I had just joined John Smith’s team two weeks ago.
Me (with a look of horror): Ugh, me too.
Dude: Oh wait, we got a memo about you!
Then we spent the remainder of the date doing the following, in the noted order.
- Staring at each other in disbelief
- Gossiping about the office (This was short, as I knew nothing at this point.)
- Realizing that we were sending text messages while sitting only approximately 50 feet away from one another
- Learning nothing more about each other
Now, I know you’re shaking your head, with the following questions in mind, all of which I will gladly address:
Q. Did you see him before?
A. No dumbass, of course not. Why would I have agreed to go on that date?
Q. Do you still see him often?
A. Why yes. Besides working on several projects together, I sit next to the coffee machine, so I do see him…all the time.
Q. Is it awkward?
A. Even though almost a year has gone by? Absolutely.
Q. Would you date him under different circumstances?
A. Probably, but I have a feeling it would have been a short-lived romance. So working together probably saved me a lot of heartache.
Q. Should I still online date?
A. Yes because if this ever happens, you will quickly realize that afterwards the world will still turn. The sky will still be blue. Water will continue to taste good. And your life will definitely go on.
April 15, 2011
On a recent date, I made a major blunder. Can you spot it?
Me: Do you watch 30 Rock?
Dude: I love 30 Rock.
Me: One of my best friends said that I’m just like Liz Lemon.
Dude: You may not want to tell a guy that on a first date.